Humam Khalil Abu-Mulal al-Balawi

Aside from having one of the longest names in recorded history, Saudi Humam Khalil Abu-Mulal al-Balawi was a rather ordinary guy before he discovered radical Islam. He worked as a doctor (who likely wrote prescriptions for camel piss to cure all ailments) and his wife worked as a full-time bedsheet model, the #1 career for women in Saudi Arabia. After the U.S. began war in Afghanistan and Iraq, al-Balawi researched terror groups and grew increasingly radicalized. His wife supported him in this endeavor.

After years of reading and networking with jihadis online, al-Balawi decided it was time for him to act against the evil infidels. As a doctor, he was used to blood and guts, so it didn’t seem much of a stretch for him to splatter his all over everywhere. He strapped on a suicide vest (now only $19.95 at select locations!) and claimed to have information regarding a known terrorist. The CIA invited him to one of their bases in Afghanistan with open arms.

Before making like Ke$ha’s “Blow,” the theme song of Islam, al-Balawi revealed the depths of his lunacy in a video released to the Taliban. He claimed his suicide was to avenge CIA-ordered assassinations of Taliban and al Qaeda militants. Knowing his message (and entrails) would be spread after his death, al-Balawi blew himself up while on the CIA base, killing six.

After the doctor’s detonation, his wife was interviewed. She said she supported him in his martyrdom and she knew he never really had any information to provide to the CIA. The Taliban tried to recreate this attack on December 26, 2012. Three were killed in that blast.