What wears glasses, is stuck in the seventh century, and is gayer than the child of Elton John and Ellen DeGeneres? If you guessed UK-based Kuwaiti cleric Yasser al-Habib, you’d be correct. al-Habib is a Shia Islamic cleric whose speeches are viewed as particularly arousing by some members of his congregation. When not getting his “shiite” pushed in at the local bathhouse, al-Habib is at the pulpit, preaching hatred of non-Muslims and giving long, girthy descriptions of anal penetration like a gay version of 50 Shades of Grey.
In one speech, al-Habib said: “It is told in the hadith that Omar ibn al-Khattab had an anal disease, which could only be cured by semen.” I mean, I’ve heard about Muslims using camel piss as medicine, but semen? Really? Cum on, that’s just ridickulous. And why on earth would semen be believed to be the cure for this anal disease? “Someone who, God forbid, has been penetrated in the anus – a worm grows within him, due to the semen discharged in him…” Yes, al-Habib, because HIV and syphilis are worms, not viruses. Your 7th-century Islamic scientific knowledge that advocates unprotected bottoming as a cure is far more advanced than our evil western medicine.
al-Habib, almost undoubtedly speaking from personal experience, continued: “A disease develops in his anus, and as a result, he cannot calm down, unless… that’s right, it becomes like an addic[k]tion, and he cannot calm down unless he is penetrated again and again.” Uhh, that’s called sex addiction and is a widely documented condition. Second, it’s not a disease in the anus – it’s called being a power bottom, that’s all. There are plenty of those, like Abdullah al-Asiri, who put his God-given bottoming talent to use for his bloodthirsty deity.
Not one to veer off the subject of his addicktion, al-Habib decided to incorporate his sex life into his criticism of all non-Shiites. “One of the devils is present at the birth of every human being… If the newborn is not a Shiite, the devil inserts his index finger into this newborn’s anus, and when he grows up, he becomes a passive homosexual.” So, basically he’s saying everyone is born to be a bottom. al-Habib, we get it, you like dick in your ass, now talk about something else already!
al-Habib actually did talk about something else: his fantasy man, Saddam Hussein. Though Hussein was Sunni, al-Habib praised the dictator’s “handsome face” in another interview while saying Omar ibn al-Khattab’s hideous looks caused miscarriages. I think al-Habib’s projecting a bit with that last one; I doubt even a plastic surgeon could fix his eyesore of a visage. And no wonder he’s a bottom – while bending over as he does for Allah five times a day, his face is out of sight. It all makes sense now!
His website is as gay as he is. The slogan is “the drop of truth that splits the rock of falsehood” – I wonder how that could ever possibly be a euphemism for anal sex…
Other notable fatwas al-Habib has made include the condemnation of the prophet Muhammad (pigs be upon him)’s wife Aisha as an “enemy of God,” as well as declaring that all Wahhabi Muslims should be executed. This second fatwa likely came after a Wahhabi Muslim insisted on using a condom.
I’ll let the CDC conclude this post with a friendly reminder: Consistent and correct use of male latex condoms can reduce (though not eliminate) the risk of STD transmission. To achieve the maximum protective effect, condoms must be used both consistently and correctly. Inconsistent use can lead to STD acquisition because transmission can occur with a single act of intercourse with an infected partner. Similarly, if condoms are not used correctly, the protective effect may be diminished even when they are used consistently. The most reliable ways to avoid transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), are to abstain from sexual activity or to be in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner. However, many infected persons may be unaware of their infections because STDs are often asymptomatic or unrecognized.