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Your Daily Muslim: Umm Osama

Wouldn't it be kinda hard to enjoy 72 virgins when your body is in dismembered pieces...?

Wouldn’t it be kinda hard to enjoy 72 virgins when your body is in dismembered pieces…?

Umm Osama is the wife of Hamas politician Khalil al-Hayya, and has equally messed-up views. Clad in a pillowcase and a bedsheet with matching gloves, Osama was interviewed regarding her views on the woman’s role in society. Her answer: to instill the values of jihad in young Palestinians.

“Women in Palestine play a great role in raising their children, and in encouraging them to wage jihad for the sake of Allah. This is absolutely the most glorious thing a woman can do.” Osama calls upon wives to support their husbands’ jihad operations, including helping them prepare their materials and/or their anuses.

“Palestine is dear to us, and its price is paid with our body remains and our lifeblood… Paradise requires from us our blood, our body remains, and our efforts for its sake.” So, basically, your paradise is full of murderous fanatics. Sounds more like an asylum than a pleasurable realm of the afterlife. Anyway, suicide bombing is so 2000s. It’s 2013. Time to modernize, Osama. And, uhh, ditch the coneless KKK headdress while you’re at it. It’s hideous. I’m sure you’re so ugly you need to wear a bag over your head, but really, lady, you can do better than that awful pillowcase thing.

She concludes her interview by explaining how she prays for Allah to grant all the members of her family, her offspring included, the chance to be martyrs. Just another peace-loving Palestinian…

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