Rasmi Ajlan wants to fertilize your fields

Egyptian cleric Rasmi Ajlan is one of the most brilliant Islamic scientists of the modern era. His research into prenatal factors as determinants of a child’s intelligence is truly groundbreaking. His findings: the more times a woman is “fertilized” during pregnancy, the more intelligent her offspring will be.

Of course, Ajlan followed strict Islamic protocols during his testing, which, from his speech, probably involved having sex with a bunch of sex slaves: “The prophet Muhammad said: ‘Do not copulate with a slave girl before she menstruates again.'” Oh, for those who didn’t know, the prophet Muhammad (pigs be upon him) was totally cool with sex slaves. He especially preferred the smaller ones.

“If a man is married and his wife is pregnant with his child – the more he copulates with her, the more his semen enhances the future child’s intelligence.” Ajlan continued, explaining the process as a bizarre form of “irrigation” of the fetus. He claimed that additional helpings of semen only helped the fetus’ mental capacity during the first 40 days of the pregnancy. “According to medical science, this increases the child’s intelligence.” Islamic medical science also has cited camel urine as a cure for various ailments and claims demons are responsible for mental health issues.

Perhaps Ajlan’s one redeeming quality is that, unlike many other Muslims, he doesn’t approve of gang rape: “Do not irrigate the seed of another man with your own water.” Water? Really, Ajlan, that’s a real medical condition if that’s all that comes out. You should get that checked… actually, don’t. The world doesn’t need any more of your spawn.

Want a real way to increase a child’s intelligence? Don’t give them a Qur’an.