Ali al-Husayni al-Sistani

Getting old must be difficult, especially if you’ve never been able to enjoy anything in life. It would probably make a person incredibly foul and bitter… like Iraqi Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Husayni al-Sistani. A strict Muslim regarded as one of Iraq’s highest religious authorities, 82-year-old al-Sistani’s sole purpose in life at this point seems to be preventing anyone from enjoying themselves.

During the US invasion of Iraq and the fall of Saddam Hussein’s regime, al-Sistani instructed his followers to become involved in politics to ensure that the future of Iraq would be guided by Islamic principles. He survived an assassination attempt from the Sunni opposition, which apparently made him realize he didn’t have much time left on this earth and that he should ruin as much as he possibly could during his remaining years. He started issuing crazy fatwas on every subject you can think of. Here are a few of his most delightful.

On dogs: “It is not permissible to keep a dog [as a pet].” Why not? In Islam, dogs are seen as being unclean. Perhaps it’s because they lick each other’s butts or something. However, Muslims have no qualms with animals like camels or goats that tend to attract even more insects and are generally filthier…

On abortion: al-Sistani says that abortion is haram (forbidden) and should not be practiced in cases of rape.

On the burqa: al-Sistani has stated that women must dress modestly and wear a head covering.

On board games: “It is prohibited to play with all that is considered a gambling instrument even without placing a bet.” Wow, someone is a SORE loser after getting his ass handed to him at Monopoly… hey, al-Sistani: get a “Clue” – your religion is anti-fun.

On music: “All songs are haram…the prohibition of reciting non-entertaining expressions — like songs intended to lift the morale [of fighters]— is based on compulsory precaution. However, the tune that cannot be described as such is not haram by itself.” al-Sistani also made an exception for the theme song of Islam, Ke$ha’s “Blow.”

On gays: “People involved [in sodomy] should be killed in the worst, most severe way possible.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, isn’t that a bit overboard? I can understand, al-Sistani, if you’re jealous that they get way more action than you, but you really shouldn’t take it out on them.

His fatwa against gays had far-reaching implications. Many in the west condemned it, and throughout Iraq, a “sexual cleansing” of homosexuals had begun. Hussein, a 32-year-old closeted gay man, said: “I’ve been living in a state of fear for the last year since Ayatollah al-Sistani issued that fatwa, in which he even encouraged families to kill their sons and brothers if they do not change their gay behavior. My brother, who has been under pressure and threats from al-Sistani’s followers about me, has threatened to harm me himself, or even kill me, if I show any signs of gayness.”

Religion of peace… as long as you conform and don’t enjoy yourself. Here’s his Facebook – send him some “love.” By love, I mean pictures of dogs mating and gay porn, of course.