Ali Rashid

Fatass Muslim Ali Rashid, a Syrian national living in the UK, just wanted a little lovin’. Not knowing how to get laid and impeded by a mass of lard attached to his torso, Rashid waddled his way to a swimming and spa facility and tried to get his dick wet (but not by sticking it in the pool.)

In a steam room there, Rashid saw a woman who caught his eye. He approached her, and she grew defensive. Instead of realizing she wasn’t interested and backing off, he saw a prime opportunity to shove her up against the wall and lick her neck and face. She screamed, and he grabbed her thigh and held her against the wall. The woman was able to get free and reported the sluggish Rashid to facility staff.

Authorities arrived on the scene and could immediately tell that no woman above a 0.5 on the 10-point scale would express any interest in Rashid. Initially, he told police “I no kiss her, she kiss me.” Reportedly, he told the woman “Don’t be angry, I touch and kiss you because I feel comfortable with you.” It’s kinda important that she feels equally comfortable with you, Rashid, before you try shit like that.

When he realized that no one believed his lies, he admitted to one count of sexual assault. He was sentenced to eight months in jail suspended for one year, and has been banned from mixed-gender swimming and spa facilities. Now, if he goes to a steam room, the only kind of attention he’d be getting is probably not the kind he wants… oh, who am I kidding, even creepy old gay dudes have higher standards than that.