Like many Muslims before him, Ali Shabakhsh was tired of being a virgin. A devout follower of Islam, Shabakhsh obeyed its commands, including those to avoid personal grooming and to “slay [non-believers] wherever you find them.” Despite his wealthy, educated background, he joined Harkat e Ansar Iran, a militant group responsible for numerous suicide bombings and shootings. The group’s stated aim is to “establish sharia” and destroy Shiites, particularly the Iranian government.
Shabakhsh was exactly what the group needed – another horny young guy convinced he could get laid if he sent his guts flying. However, he had a secret – he wasn’t after the 72 female virgins in Jannat al-Firdaus (Islamic heaven), he was after the “boys like scattered pearls” described in the Qur’an. The members of Harkat e Ansar Iran turned him into a weapon – he was already indoctrinated with violent Islamic teachings, now all he needed was the suicide belt. The night before he made like the theme song of Islam, Ke$ha’s “Blow,” he claimed he had seen a deceased human explosive approach him in a dream. Shabakhsh had described to his colleagues that the dead Muslim in his dream was “beautiful,” and had asked him to join him in heaven presumably by blowing himself up.
Shabakhsh went boom in the port city of Chabahar, killing 8 Iranian security personnel and wounding 14 others. Harkat e Ansar Iran claimed the attack was retaliation for crimes against Sunnis committed by the Iranian government.
Shabakhsh isn’t getting any now that he’s dead, and his unkempt self will be waiting to be one of the 72 virgins when a Muslimah blows herself up, much to his disappointment. Folks, seriously, get laid before you die!