An image released by jihadist press group al-Farooq Media of the deceased Hamza Sarawani

People who commit suicide are usually pretty damn miserable. However, that’s not the case in Islam – they’re eager to remove themselves from the gene pool, case in point Iranian Sunni Muslim Hamza Sarawani. Sarawani had a decent life, including many friends in terror group Harakat-e-Ansar Iran, of which he was also a member. Instead of chilling on this earth with his bros, one of whom was probably his gay lover (more to come on that), Sarawani decided to end his own life, as well as the lives of two Iranian security personnel, by blowing himself up in the city of Chabahar.

As I’m sure you’re already aware, this behavior is common for Muslims, as their religion’s theme song is Ke$ha’s “Blow.” Sarawani’s suicide was no different from that of many other Muslims, including his gay lover, Ali Shabakhsh. Shortly before blowing himself up, Shabakhsh claimed to have seen the “beautiful” Sarawani in a dream (what kind of man calls another man “beautiful”?), and Sarawani allegedly told Shabakhsh to blow himself up. Why? To join him in paradise, of course. Apparently 72 virgins weren’t enough. Now here’s the problem with that whole paradise thing: Shabakhsh and Sarawani are just dead, possibly in hell if such a place exists, but they’re sure as hell not in Islam’s paradise (jannat al-firdaus.) Sarawani has nothing to be smiling about.