Muhammad Ali Shanqiti demonstrating the vertical hand motion he performs when contemplating the virgins in Islamic heaven

Saudi Islamic cleric Muhammad Ali Shanqiti has way too much time on his hands, and spends way too much time with his hand. Instead of promoting world peace or helping the poor, Shanqiti spends his days calculating the number of virgins Muslim men will receive when they die – apparently 72 wasn’t enough, so Allah had to sweeten the deal. Shanqiti’s final estimate on the number of virgins? Up to 19,604. I had no idea there were that many female video game nerds on the planet.

“Every Muslim man gets at least two black-eyed virgins in paradise. Each virgin comes with 70 servant girls. You are permitted [to have sex] with the virgins as well as the servant girls. For every woman from this world who enters paradise, you get 70 black-eyed virgins.” I wonder where the black eyes came from… perhaps it’s because the Qur’an sanctions wife-beating? (Qur. 4:34) And why would anyone want to have that many virgins? Seriously, virgins are terrible in bed, so Muslims get an eternity of sex, but it’s awful sex. “First, there are the women of this world who enter paradise. Each one comes with 70 black-eyed virgins… Each comes with 70 servant girls.” So 70 virgins for each woman, and for each virgin, 70 servants… and sex with the servants is legal. Some Muslim scriptures claim that there will be servant boys “like scattered pearls,” (Qur. 76:19) as well; it is likely, considering its widespread practice in the Islamic world, that molesting the servant boys is also acceptable.

One thing of note is that the servant girls are not explicitly mentioned to be virgins, so having sex with them might give you herpes. Also, Muhammad (pigs be upon him) himself stated: “I stood at the gate of the Fire and saw that the majority of those who entered it were women.” (Sahih Bukhari 7:62:124) There might not be all that many women up there in the first place.

“Now, let’s assume that you are married to four wives, each of whom comes with 70 black-eyed virgins, and each virgin comes with 70 servant girls… How many does it come to? God help you.” Seriously, no one needs that much vag. Even having four wives in this world is quite excessive. Having an active sex life is healthy, but sex addiction is a problem – especially in some messed-up afterlife where there’s no mention of a rehab center. “Your reunion [with your wife] lasts for 70 earthly years. When the 70 years are about to come to an end, another black-eyed virgin calls to you from above: ‘Oh servant of Allah, don’t we get a piece of you?'” I highly doubt some dude getting laid for all eternity qualifies as a “servant of Allah” unless the women he’s banging are extensions of Allah, or Allah is using the live porno as jerk-off fodder.

“You spend 70 years or so with [the virgin], and along comes the third, saying: “Oh servant of Allah, don’t we get a piece of you?” You look at her, and she is even more beautiful than the one you are with.” 70 years with the same person?! Seriously, the sex would get old really quickly – 70 years?! Can you say instant recipe for boredom? Like, couldn’t the person who invented Islamic heaven have been a little more creative about what was up there, just to make it a little more believable? The whole concept of it proves that Islam was created by a bunch of horny men for their brethren.