Your Daily Muslim: Oksana Aslanova

Oksana Aslanova

Oksana Aslanova. This piece contains a graphic image. Reader discretion is advised.

Turkmenistani Oksana Aslanova moved to Dagestan (southwest Russia) and began a life there. She soon met a jihadist commander, and the two fell in love and got married. Of course, it wasn’t long before Aslanova converted to Islam and her jihadist husband was six feet under the ground, since jihadists tend not to last very long. Aslanova’s jihad, however, was far from finished. Her jihad had two stages: first, she spread her legs. Then, she spread her internal organs.

After her husband’s passing, Aslanova became intimate and engaged in temporary marriages with several of his mujahideen buddies. She had craved their jihadist genitals while married, but hadn’t yet had the opportunity to let them jihad inside her. After hopping from man to man like a homewrecker on a rampage, Aslanova realized mortal men would no longer be enough. She wanted to venture to the eternal Dungeons & Dragons tournament in the sky promised to female suicide bombers, complete with 72 players (all virgins – duh – because they play Dungeons & Dragons.) To achieve her goal of becoming a level 50 valkyrie princess with a sword of frost power and poison resistance +20, Aslanova enlisted the assistance of one of the many husbands (read: hookups) she had been with.

The plan was set in motion. Aslanova walked into a train station in Volgograd, Russia wearing a suicide vest underneath her ninja costume. Upon reaching an area where she felt she could cause the most damage, she probably screeched “Allahu Akbar!” in true stereotypical Islamic fashion before blowing herself up. At least 16 people, Aslanova included, were killed in the explosion. Aslanova’s fate, however, wasn’t exactly what she expected. She’s had some trouble playing Dungeons & Dragons considering her head is no longer attached to her body, and her dungeon master is getting fed up with it.

Oksana Aslanova's probably not gonna have an open-casket funeral.

She’s probably not gonna have an open-casket funeral.

7 comments on “Your Daily Muslim: Oksana Aslanova

  1. Islam – The Religion of Terror

  2. Hopefully the Russians will ban the ninja costume in public so islamoqunts will have to walk around like the rest of humanity

  3. May I suggest a new category? “converts”. In the UK we have Jamaal Uddin, the former Jordan Horner, Ricardo McFarlane, Samantha Lewthwaite, the 29-year-old from Aylesbury, Richard Reid (the ‘shoe bomber’), Richard Dart (Salahuddin), Trevor Brooks (born UK, parents from Jamaica) that I know of.

    Best wishes! Love your wicked sense of humour. The anti-jihadists have all the best jokes and the best wits!

    • I’ll think about it, it might take a while to go through the posts to find em all – some of the ones you listed are on here already, and they’re like the craziest of all 🙂

      • And in Australia, there were Jack Roche (known to Aussies as “Jihad Jack”) and Jack Thomas. If you have covered some of these converts, you can create the category and populate it with a few entries. They may attract suggestions from readers.

      • Hadn’t heard of Jihad Jack, but will definitely be putting him on in the coming week!

  4. Islam is a disease of the mind. Once a person is “infected”, the reasoning part of the mind is destroyed, leaving only the psychotic part alive to carry out murders, rapes & suicide bombings against anyone that has not contracted the disease of islam.

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