Turkmenistani Oksana Aslanova moved to Dagestan (southwest Russia) and began a life there. She soon met a jihadist commander, and the two fell in love and got married. Of course, it wasn’t long before Aslanova converted to Islam and her jihadist husband was six feet under the ground, since jihadists tend not to last very long. Aslanova’s jihad, however, was far from finished. Her jihad had two stages: first, she spread her legs. Then, she spread her internal organs.
After her husband’s passing, Aslanova became intimate and engaged in temporary marriages with several of his mujahideen buddies. She had craved their jihadist genitals while married, but hadn’t yet had the opportunity to let them jihad inside her. After hopping from man to man like a homewrecker on a rampage, Aslanova realized mortal men would no longer be enough. She wanted to venture to the eternal Dungeons & Dragons tournament in the sky promised to female suicide bombers, complete with 72 players (all virgins – duh – because they play Dungeons & Dragons.) To achieve her goal of becoming a level 50 valkyrie princess with a sword of frost power and poison resistance +20, Aslanova enlisted the assistance of one of the many husbands (read: hookups) she had been with.
The plan was set in motion. Aslanova walked into a train station in Volgograd, Russia wearing a suicide vest underneath her ninja costume. Upon reaching an area where she felt she could cause the most damage, she probably screeched “Allahu Akbar!” in true stereotypical Islamic fashion before blowing herself up. At least 16 people, Aslanova included, were killed in the explosion. Aslanova’s fate, however, wasn’t exactly what she expected. She’s had some trouble playing Dungeons & Dragons considering her head is no longer attached to her body, and her dungeon master is getting fed up with it.