Alimurod Makhanov doesn’t realize that his facial hairstyle went out of style 12 years ago

Tajik Muslim Alimurod Makhanov was, like many other Muslims, up to no good. He had joined the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan, a jihadist group. Soon, he had gathered nine of his buddies together and the fun had begun. Instead of playing sports, video games, or with each other’s penises, the men had something much more sinister in mind: a bombing in Dushanbe, the capitol city of Tajikistan.

Makhanov rose through the ranks of the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan as well as the Jamaat Ansarullah terror group. Soon, he was declared the emir of Tajikistan in both of those jihadist organizations. Together with his ass-lifting buddies, Makhanov planned to bomb political sites in Tajikistan in order to “destabilize” the country before its national election. Among the targets were the gates of Dushanbe, the National Security Committee, and the Interior Ministry.

However, the plot was foiled by Tajik counter-terrorism forces. Makhanov and his friends were detained, and all of a sudden they had a change of heart about violent jihad. How convenient! Makhanov said, “We were told [by a degreed Mullah] that a man must defend his honor through jihad.” I still don’t see the connection between blowing up buildings and defending your honor. If any Muslims out there would like to clarify, that would be much appreciated.