Abdullah al-Muhajir during his extended-stay vacation at Guantanamo Bay

Abdullah al-Muhajir, born Jose Padilla, was just trying to do right by his bloodthirsty, psychopathic imaginary friend. al-Muhajir was a gang member in south Florida until he was arrested for manslaughter after kicking someone in head who later died of his injuries. Since he was a gang member, this wasn’t his first run-in with the law, but it was his most fateful. During that prison term, al-Muhajir made the biggest mistake of his life: he converted to Islam. After marrying and getting divorced once, al-Muhajir met a Muslimah with whom he felt a real connection. She went on to spawn two of his offspring. However, he wasn’t around for the birth of his two sons – he was wandering between Pakistan and Afghanistan with al Qaeda, training in the construction of dirty bombs.

When a detained al-Qaeda terrorist was being given glorious helpings of liquid freedom at Guantanamo Bay, he coughed up al-Muhajir’s identity (along with some liquid freedom.) Shortly after al-Muhajir returned to the US, he was arrested and held as an enemy combatant. There was some controversy over whether or not authorities had enough to hold him, but it turned out the information extracted from the captured mujahid was accurate. al-Muhajir’s possessions were searched, and he had numerous items from al Qaeda members as well as ways to contact them.

Many people, Muslim and non-Muslim alike got all up in a frenzy about the sensory-deprivation techniques used to gradually break al-Muhajir. He spent years being subjected to all forms of numbing, and probably got used to it while fantasizing about Muhammad’s child bride, Aisha. al-Muhajir was tried in Miami, and was convicted of going overseas to conspire to murder Americans. He currently remains behind bars.