Mazhar Shahin demonstrating how to properly touch a dude’s nuts during foreplay

Many of you have heard of the infamous “anal jihad” fatwa by now. For those who haven’t, it’s a fatwa that turns gay sex from being forbidden to a religious act – if you’re doing it for jihad, of course. How could pounding a dude be an act of ji(zz)had? If you’re helping stretch him out down there to stick a bomb in, why else? The fatwa has since been mocked and its authenticity debated endlessly. However, more anecodotal evidence backing the fatwa has since emerged, prompting Islamic scholar Dr. Amar Ali Hassan to write on the subject. After reading Dr. Hassan’s writings, Egyptian activist sheikh Mazhar Shahin felt the need to comment on this new craze.

Of course, like he has done several times throughout his political career, he turned the fatwa into a baseless accusation against the Muslim Brotherhood. Shahin has landed himself in hot water and even been suspended from preaching for his comments in the past, particularly for defying and criticizing the Qur’anically-backed words of sheikh Murgan Salem al-Gohary.

“The [Muslim Brotherhood] is a bunch of hopeless and desperate peddlers, who have reached a state of foolishness, stupidity, filth, and so on – to the highest imaginable degree,” Shahin stated. “This catastrophe – this ‘anal jihad’ – is proof of this.” I wouldn’t call it a catastrophe. I’d call it some dudes finally being able to work around the oppressive rules of their religion and get laid. Of course, the whole having to do it to prep for a suicide bombing thing sucks, but then again, we’re dealing with Islam here. What doesn’t suck about Islam?

“Now we are hearing about ‘anal jihad,’ in which two men are permitted to perform this great sin – God forbid – with one another, because they are away from home and cannot have sex with their wives, Shahin continued. “They are conducting what they consider to be jihad for the sake of Allah, so they do it with one another. Their sheikhs permit them to do these things. This is despicable, foolish, and asinine.” Though “wives” is grammatically correct in that sentence in the context of monogamous marriages, I’m not entirely sure that’s what Shahin was getting at with his wording. The original fatwa did not permit Muslim men to f**k each other just because they were away from their wives, but Shahin seems to be referencing a fatwa which suggests it is permissible.

Shahin then took a turn for the dramatic. “What a catastrophe!” He exclaimed. “They [sheikhs who permit anal jihad] speak in the name of Islam and the Muslims while they wage war on our lord.” I’m sure they speak for some Muslims, who just want to get laid without the threat of being burned, hanged, or thrown from a tall building for the aleged “crime” of homosexuality. As for waging war on Allah – if Allah is all-powerful and thus created gay people, how is allowing them to have sex waging war on him? The lack of logic employed by Muslims is truly frightening. But this brings us back to an even bigger question: who would even want to put it inside a mujahid? They look homeless and unkempt, and I highly doubt they’ve cleaned out down there. On behalf of all gay men: eww.