Mücahid Cihad Han with a “friend.”

Turkish Islamic da’ee, wannabe scholar and anti-drinking activist Mücahid Cihad Han (sometimes Anglicized as Mujahid Jihad Han) decided to field viewers’ questions on television. This was his first mistake. Err, no, his first mistake was believing in a seventh-century child-porn fairytale. But I digress. A male viewer called in and explained that he masturbated frequently despite the fact that he was married, and even on a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Of course, sane people know there’s nothing wrong with that – if you’re married, the sex is almost inevitably stale and thus turning to one’s hand (or another’s) is completely reasonable. But of course, those paralyzed by the fear of sexuality instilled in them by ancient fiction feel incredible amounts of guilt because of their biological urges. Han told the viewer that masturbation is haram (forbidden) in Islam, though some scholars argue it is a minor sin instead of being as heinous as eating bacon.

Han then went far off the deep end. “Moreover, one Hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said. Wow. I didn’t know my hands had ovaries! Islamic science is so educational!

“If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?” Han continued, not realizing that plenty of married people jerk off every day. Another thing to recommend would be for the man to get some on the side – whoops, nope, haram. Marrying a second wife isn’t haram because Islam allows men to marry up to four, but does not afford women the same freedom because the religion is inherently misogynistic. Two wives’ worth of nagging, however, is an obvious and immediate no thank you.

When my hands give birth after I die, I’ll gladly chronicle their babies’ lives for y’all.