Mohammed Saleem Noori singing the theme song of Islam, Ke$ha’s “Blow.”

Indian Islamic cleric Mohammed Saleem Noori probably has a hard time getting laid. His unkempt appearance is only partly to blame for this; his track record on women’s issues is poor at best.

Currently working at the Sunni Barelvi Markaz of Dargah Ala Hazrat, Noori consults with his fellow seventh-century regressives before issuing fatwas (religious edicts.) When a Muslimah asked them whether or not it would be halal (permissible) for her to open a business. It says a lot about a religion if its followers feel unable to fully function in society because of their gender.

Noori and co. convened before issuing the fatwa, which shocked many across the Muslim world. The fatwa stated that the woman could open a business… so long as she wasn’t violating any of Islam’s absurd rules about mixing with the opposite sex. “If they are involved in a trade in which women have to deal with men, women should appoint a mediator,” Noori said. “The mediator should interact or deal on behalf of businesswoman with her male clients.” Having to hire a man just so you don’t violate an ancient rule set in place by a pedophile warlord… seems like a truly unnecessary expense for anyone trying to get their business off the ground.

A recent survey of Muslimahs’ opinions was conducted in India. Large percentages of the respondents wanted increased divorce rights, increased liberties under sharia, and more property rights. Of course, Noori and his fellow clerics (all male, duh) weren’t having any of that. “Sharia law cannot be changed and no one has right to demand amendment in it,” they stated, not recognizing that human rights trump superstition.

Noori led the charge in issuing a fatwa against the opinion survey. He also publicly criticized it: “It is a negative survey as it is based on misleading questions,” he began, failing to acknowledge that asking women if they want equality is not negative in the slightest. “Like a survey or campaign cannot be launched for bringing an amendment to the Constitution of the country, Islamic law cannot be changed and no one has a right to demand an amendment to any of its clauses. No one can demand an amendment in sharia law and it is wrong to say that it oppresses women. The law is equal for both men and women and those women who spoke in the survey are not fully aware about the law.”

Equal for men and women?! Don’t make me laugh! “The male shall have the equal of the portion of two females…” (Qur. 4:11), “And call to witness, from among your men, two witnesses. And if two men be not found then a man and two women,” (Qur. 2:282), “[Muhammad, pigs be upon him] said, ‘Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?’ They replied in the affirmative. He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her intelligence.'” (Bukhari 6:301) With those verses in mind, I can’t possibly fathom why women living under Islam are asking for equal rights! As for Noori’s claim that Islam doesn’t oppress women, I’ll again refer to those verses.