Azizi al-Hariri

Miami Muslim convert Miguel Moran Diaz, who assumed the Islamic name Azizi al-Hariri, was in a rut. A convicted felon who had served nearly four years behind bars for dealing cocaine, his future prospects were looking grim. His religion, however, provided him with a solution to his problems.

Islam promises virgins in jannat al-firdaus to anyone who becomes a shahid (martyr.) al-Hariri thought that was pretty neat, especially since he wouldn’t have to pay for them. To gain access to this realm of eternal pleasure, he had to kill a bunch of people for the realm’s gatekeeper, an invisible sky-demon named Allah.

al-Hariri hatched a plan to attain shahada (martyrdom.) He planned on using a rifle from his stash of illegal guns to shoot scores of people and create chaos in Miami. However, the only thing he shot was himself, in the foot.

al-Hariri spoke to someone whom he believed was a fellow Islamic State (ISIS) sympathizer about his plot. He said he planned to engrave “ISIS” into his shell casings so “they would know there was a sniper in town.” We already know how this goes, so let’s fast-forward to his court appearance.

“I want to apologize to the community,” he told the court. “I guarantee that it won’t happen again.” He’s right. It won’t. He’s been sentenced to 15 years behind bars.