Ahmad Kutty

(Part 1)

Indian-born Canadian sheikh Ahmad Kutty’s Ask the Scholar site has yielded a fresh crop of seventh-century idiocy. Behold the religion of peace (and an exhaustive list of sexual dos and don’ts that could only come from a deeply repressed Christian Grey type.)

Kutty listed the following sexual practices as haram (forbidden) when asked by an anonymous Muslim whether or not role-playing with one’s wife was permissible. Let’s go through this 8-point list and dissect how unrealistic it is. I encourage you to go through the checklist with me and see exactly how many ways you’ve pissed off the invisible sky-demon Allah:

1) As Islam views conjugal union and husband and wife relations as extremely dignified and confidential, one is not allowed to engage in such acts in public or while others are watching; it is also forbidden to divulge one’s sexual exploits with one’s partner to anyone else. The Prophet, [pigs be upon him], refers to such behavior as Satanic and hence not befitting of humans;

So apparently talking to a marriage counselor about sexual issues in your marriage is Satanic…?

Sharing sex stories: One point for yes, zero for no.

2) Anal intercourse is totally forbidden; however, partners are allowed to derive sexual pleasure from intimate rubbing of any other part of the body or through oral stimulation so long as such acts are done consensually;

Many clerics disagree about oral stimulation being permissible. But what’s so bad about anal? To quote Broad City last year, “It’s 2014. Anal’s on the menu.”

Anal sex: One point for yes, zero for no.

3) Sadistic practices such as deriving carnal pleasure by inflicting pain or chaining one’s partner, etc. are all forbidden as they are considered as degrading and inhumane;

Someone didn’t like 50 Shades… if it’s consensual, who cares?

S&M: One point for yes, zero for no.

4) Sexual intercourse in the vagina is forbidden during a woman’s menstrual period as well as during post-natal period; one must wait until the bleeding stops and she has performed ghusl (ritual bath);

I can understand this one from a hygiene perspective (bloody sheets are so not in right now.) But if a woman wants to have sex during that time and her partner consents, go for it! It’s not harmful.

Sex during menses: One point for yes, zero for no.

5) Sexual intercourse or intimate touching or caressing, etc. are forbidden while fasting, or in state of ihram [ritual cleanliness to prepare for the Hajj];

So not only are Muslims prohibited from having healthy eating habits during Ramadan, they also have less time for sex? No wonder their tempers become more explosive during Ramadan.

Sex during fasting: One point for yes, zero for no.

6) So called group sex (regardless of whether it is done between consenting married partners or others) is an abomination and grave sin; it is sinful even to entertain such thoughts;

So lemme get this straight – molesting a child as Muhammad (pigs be upon him) did is OK, but even thinking about having a threesome isn’t? As you can see, Islam has a strong ethical foundation.

Group sex: One point for yes, zero for no.

7) There is no taboo on partners masturbating each other or having sexual intimacy or fulfillment during menses as well as during post-natal period of bleeding– provided sexual intercourse in the vagina is avoided.

This is basically #5.

8) It is haram to engage in intimate sexual union with one’s partner while imagining or visualizing other men or women.

As cleric Hossein Dehnavi said, fantasizing about someone else causes any offspring produced by that intercourse to be gay. But what’s so bad about pretending your spouse is Chris Hemsworth?

Poker-facing: One point for yes, zero for no. Also, anyone who’s been in a relationship has done this. If they say they haven’t, they’re lying.

If your score was higher than zero, congratulations, Allah hates you! I scored 5. Allah’s wrath is sure to descend any day now. I’m waiting…

Kutty had more to say about anal sex: “Anal sex is undoubtedly forbidden in Islam. There are authentic traditions of the Prophet [pigs be upon him] explicitly forbidding it. The Prophet [pigs be upon him] is reported to have said, ‘Do not enter women through their rear ends.'” Who cares if a child-molesting warlord from the seventh century didn’t like anal? If it makes Allah mad, tell him he’s a perv for watching.

When another anonymous Muslim asked about whether or not “courtship” before marriage was permissible in Islam, Kutty shared his absurd beliefs on the subject: “What do you mean by courtship? Do you mean dating as commonly practiced in the West today which entails going out to movies and isolating with a girl or a boy one wish to marry? Then the answer is no. Islam does not allow any isolation or hanging out together with a member of the opposite sex unless they are married or they are close blood relations known as mahram.”

Needless to say, it should be obvious how compatible Islam’s values are with ours in the west.

Wait, I thought women had to wear those ridiculous ninja costumes so they wouldn’t incite temptation in men? Oh, you mean that men will lust after women even if they dress up like Ringwraiths? NO WAY!

Wait, “warped customs?” You mean like not forcing your daughters into marriages with older men? Like allowing women to choose whom they marry? Approaching marriage from “pristine Islam,” as Kutty mentions, involves small children getting molested. I have no idea how anyone can stand for such savagery. As for the anti-masturbation rhetoric, that’s just sad. Sexual repression is never healthy.

I’ll leave you with this pseudoscientific gem in which Kutty tells someone to level up their black magic resistance by reading the Qur’an: