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Your Daily Muslim #583: Ailina Tsarnaeva

Ailina Tsarnaeva trying to impersonate Lana Del Rey while wearing a perennially-out-of-fashion leopard-ish print hijab

Ailina Tsarnaeva trying to impersonate Lana Del Rey while wearing a perennially-out-of-fashion leopard-ish print hijab

Muslims can’t seem to shake stereotypes. Maybe it’s the ridiculous ninja costumes, the constant anti-Semitism, or perhaps the odor of charred flesh from all the bombings, I’m not entirely sure. New Jersey Muslimah Ailina Tsarnaeva, the sister of Boston Marathon bombers Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev, isn’t helping dispel these allegedly incorrect (read: accurate) notions most people have about the adherents of her religion.

Ailina had some beef with her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Instead of ignoring each other or passive-aggressively talking it out like most women do, Tsarnaeva’s approach was certainly more Islamic in nature. She called the woman about what has been described by authorities as a custody matter. That’s when things started to get like the theme song of Islam, Ke$ha’s “Blow.” Tsarnaeva’s rant began nonviolently but quickly escalated: “I have people that can go over there and put a bomb on you,” she allegedly stated. Tsarnaeva was arrested on suspicion of aggravated harassment and making a phone threat.

In earlier weeks, Tsarnaeva had been heckled by reporters looking for Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s American-born convert ex, who many believe knew about his jihadist plans. Tsarnaeva told the journalists to “get lost,” and did not try to defend herself or her family. Speaking of defending, she’s going to need a solid defense – she will be on trial next month for misleading police during a counterfeiting investigation. Let’s see: a shoplifting mother, two terrorist brothers… sounds like a winning family.

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Your Daily Muslim #582: Abdirahmaan Muhumed

Abdirahmaan Muhumed holding a Magic Muslim Peace Sprayer™

Abdirahmaan Muhumed holding a Magic Muslim Peace Sprayer™

“Allah loves those who fight for his cause.”

Parents, don’t give your children violent hate literature like the Qur’an. That was the mistake the parents of Abdirahmaan Muhumed, a California native turned Minneapolis resident of Somali descent, made. The book, with its graphic passages of cruelty and brutality against infidels, inspired Muhumed (whose parents clearly couldn’t spell) to travel to Syria to wage jihad with the Islamic State terror group.

29-year-old Muhumed had been married more than once and fathered nine hellspawn. It is unknown if the marriages were concurrent, as is permitted and even encouraged in Islam. His radicalization (read: staying true to Islamic teachings) led him to leave behind his growing brood and fly to Syria. “Family is not gonna save me frm [sic] hell fire because Muslims are getting kill and if i just sit here i will be ask in the akhira [afterlife],” Muhumed wrote, a smack in the face to many apologists’ argument that Muslims join the Islamic state for personal or political reasons, not religious ones. “A Muslim has to stand up for [what is] right… I give up this worldly life for Allah.” He expressed satisfaction at being called a “terrorist.” Somehow I get the feeling Islam’s PR problem isn’t the fault of alleged “Islamophobes.”

Muhumed’s goal was to “bring back the khilafah [Islamic state].” However, he wouldn’t live long enough to fulfill his dreams. He was the second American to be killed fighting for the Islamic State. His family is currently grieving.

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Your Daily Muslim #581: Mohammad Hafarizam Harun

Mohammad Hafarizam Harun messing with some Charmed shit

Mohammad Hafarizam Harun messing with some Charmed shit

When anything and everything can be seen as an offense to your fragile belief system, perhaps it’s time for those beliefs to be re-evaluated. When something as natural as a bodily cycle becomes a major issue to religious obligation, it should call the teachings of the faith into question, not serve as a strike against the merits of another human being. Unfortunately, Malay Muslim lawyer Mohammad Hafarizam Harun missed the memo. Harun said that women couldn’t hold the position of chief minister, after a qualified female – a headbag-wearing Muslimah, even – announced her candidacy for the position. Why did Harun oppose the woman’s bid? Because women menstruate. #TIL a natural bodily function reduces women’s efficacy as leaders. Thanks, Islam, for enlightening me!

To expound upon his statement, Harun said the female candidate would be unable to attend certain religious events during her period due to Islamic prohibitions. You know how most women keep their periods secret? Tampons. She could easily attend those ceremonies during her menstruation without anyone being any the wiser. Sure, she may excuse herself seeing as she is a practicing Muslimah, but wouldn’t that also be smiled upon in Islam? Apparently not; it seems as if, even if a woman is willing to show her faith, anything and everything that can be done to keep her out of power should be. Islam also forbids women from praying and reading the child-porn fairytale known as the Qur’an during their period. I’m guessing many Muslimahs secretly enjoy Aunt Flo’s visits as a result.

Harun has also threatened legal action against online commenters who criticized other decisions he made. I mean, Muslims are known for having thin skin, but come on. We’re talking about anonymous usernames on the internet. Not exactly the kind of thing that should ruffle a rational person’s feathers.

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Your Daily Muslim #580: Sahra Abdi

Is she wearing a picnic blanket?

Is she wearing a picnic blanket?

Nothing is safe from sharia – not even community aquatic facilities. When Sahra Abdi and other San Diego-area Muslimahs told a local YMCA they couldn’t swim in front of men due to religious reasons, the facility capitulated to the 7th-century celebrants’ demand for sharia and began offering special hours just for the women to swim. The pool kicks all male staff and guests out before opening the facility to the women and girls. Most of the Muslimahs, Abdi included, are of Somali or Ethiopian origin. Islamic teachings regarding their haya (modesty) dictate they cannot show skin aside from their hands and faces to non-mahram (unrelated) men.

The Muslimahs enter the pool through the back door so as to avoid making contact with non-mahram men who may be stragglers exiting the facility. Many wear burkinis due to body image religious modesty issues. Abdi, the leader of the group, which is known as City Heights Hope, commented that the classes enable women to exercise because there aren’t any gender-segregated gyms in the area. She also noted that a criminal element kept the Muslimahs from walking in public parks, not to mention the heavy nature of the traditional Islamic ninja costume is prohibitive in the Southern California heat. Abdi added it was “really scary for them to be at the parks.” Uhh, I’d say ninjas walking around in broad daylight are far more terrifying than a dude playing frisbee with his dog accidentally bumping into you.

“Muslim people are not supposed to take our clothes through the dogs’ mud, it’s not clean,” Abdi said. She added that, because most dogs in east Africa are wild, many of the Muslimahs have some apprehension toward them. In Islam, dogs are considered nejis, or ritually impure. Something cute, cuddly, and loving being un-Islamic… why am I not surprised?

Despite the many positives coming from City Heights Hope, including lessons in healthy cooking, there’s an underlying element of sharia in many group members’ actions. Abdi has encouraged City Heights Hope members to become activist voices in the community. Of course, this means pushing for cruelly-slaughtered halal food in hospitals among other things. “People’s perspective of their rights have changed,” Abdi said, as though she and her fellow Muslimahs were entitled to halal food. No mention of the animal welfare issues involved. No mention of the possible cost or the acquisition issues, just demands. If you’ve been with YDM for a while, you’re probably used to reading about this sort of behavior from Muslims, but if you aren’t, this is commonplace. Expect more demands and more appeasement in the years to come.

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Your Daily Muslim #579: Afreeda Zaman

Who wears Hollister?! That's so 2007...

Who wears Hollister?! That’s so 2007…

There’s something about social media that causes many Muslims to lose their inhibitions. One such Muslim is Canadian Afreeda Zaman, an employee with Hydro One, an Ontarian electricity provider. Zaman got into a heated debate with a former classmate on the Israel vs. Palestine issue in person. When she got back home, she decided she wasn’t done foaming and sent her classmate this message of peace and tolerance:

afreedazaman

Gee, where have we heard that line before? This uncovered, seemingly moderate Muslimah parroted hardline clerics‘ sentiments.

The screenshot of Zaman’s anti-Semitism began to go viral. When the backlash began, Zaman closed her Facebook account. Her employer has said they take the matter seriously. It is unknown if Zaman will face any professional consequences for supporting one of the worst people to ever walk this earth. If it were up to me, her ass would be out the door. Anti-Semitism has no place in the 21st century.

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Your Daily Muslim #578: Islam Yaken Aly Khomais

Rule #1 of Grindr selfies: Clean your mirror! (For those unfamiliar, Grindr, the app I templated Yaken's picture into, is the gay hookup app used by Islamic serial killer Muhammed Ejaz)

Rule #1 of slutty Grindr selfies: Clean your mirror! (For those unfamiliar, Grindr, the app I templated Yaken’s picture into, is the gay hookup app used by Islamic serial killer Muhammed Ejaz)

(Note: Islam Yaken Aly Khomais is probably not actually gay. I sometimes put Muslims’ selfies in the Grindr template because it allows for many jokes to be made. Sorry, gay dudes. I know what y’all were thinking, but he’s not going to wage anal jihad on you or let you do so to him. The next time this mujahid probably plans on getting laid is by his 72 virgins in jannat al-firdaus (Islamic heaven)… or so he thinks.)

Born into a rather affluent lifestyle and raised in Cairo, Egypt, university-educated Islam Yaken Aly Khomais isn’t the type most would peg to become a jihadist. However, that’s exactly what happened. Yaken cut off most of his social ties and allowed his grooming habits to slip, going from hot to something along the lines of “eww, you need to take a shower.” He joined up with the Islamic State terror group in Mosul, Iraq, where he spends his days shooting Magic Muslim Peace Sprayers™ and tweeting imagery of severed heads. Because severed heads totally tell the world your religion is one of peace.

“I hope that brothers in the Islamic State when they slaughter somebody will write his name on his back so that if his head is cut off, we’ll know his body,” Yaken tweeted. Yep, totally peaceful. That tweet and the one involving an image of severed heads caused him to get a ton of Twitter attention, which swiftly led to him being booted from the site. Honestly, all he really needed to do to get followers was groom himself better and wear less clothing. (Speaking of Twitter, follow YDM!) He also wrote, “…when God opens up Egypt to us, if they [insulters of Islam] are still alive, we will hit their delete button.” I was going to make a rather NSFW joke about certain parts of his body, err, “opening up,” but I think you get the gist.

Many have dubbed Yaken the “hipster jihadi” due to his bespectacled visage and unkempt hair. However, he’s even less relatable than the average hipster, which, to a normal human, is really saying something. “I had lived a loose life like al-jahiliyya (pre-Islamic ignorance), but when I abandoned this life due to the grace of Allah, this has become a problem for people.” Uhh, no shit. People generally don’t like it when you ditch them to go behead innocent people in Iraq. Just a thought.

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Your Daily Muslim #577: Jamilah Nasheed

Jamilah Nasheed with the Butcher of Benghazi

Jamilah Nasheed with the Butcher of Benghazi

Jamilah Nasheed’s story is actually pretty inspirational, which makes me sad that she truly belongs on here. She fell in with the wrong crowd during her teenage years and ended up joining a gang. As a result, she ended up stabbing someone and serving time behind bars. Despite her past, Nasheed has managed to rise in society and became a Democratic state senator representing part of St. Louis, MO. Seems like an American success story, right? Well, unfortunately, despite setting an example for many youth, Nasheed’s views are… bizarre, to say the least.

The shooting death of Michael Brown, a black man, by a white cop in Ferguson, MO sparked racially-charged riots. Many have called for the officer to be criminally charged despite the lack of proof of criminal action; police say Brown charged them and assaulted them in their car, conflicting witness reports suggest he was either executed point-blank outside the car or shot while attempting to run. That aside, Nasheed has been circulating a petition to have the prosecutor in the case removed due to alleged bias. According to Nasheed and others, the prosecutor has close ties to law enforcement, thus removing neutrality. Uhh, what prosecutor doesn’t have professional relationships with law enforcement personnel? That kinda comes with the job. Nasheed’s petition is still making the rounds. She hopes to garner 70,000 signatures despite not doing so well in TV interviews.

Nasheed is also a critic of politicians’ anti-sharia bills. When a Republican introduced a bill in 2011 to prevent foreign and religious laws from being applied in US courtrooms, Nasheed went on the attack. “It’s a bill that’s being pushed by ignorant people that know nothing about Islam,” she said. Hold on a second – she’s saying that people are opposed to sharia because they know nothing about it? Pardon me while I spit up my protein shake laughing. People are opposed to sharia because of the following elements: amputation, forced marriage, less rights for women, hanging gays, flogging or stoning adulterers, jizya tax for kuffar… the list goes on. THAT is why the bill was introduced, not ignorance.

“Exercise your right at the polling places in November of 2012 because we can no longer allow for individuals to attack Islam in the way Islam has been attacked at the state capitol,” she commented. Seriously? Preventing a law involving cruel & unusual punishments from being implemented is attacking Islam? Well, now that we know what Islam is really all about…

Nasheed also called a similar measure “bigotry at its highest level.” The irony here is that sharia is insanely bigoted against all manner of infidels. Hopefully Nasheed gets her views on the right track and stops shilling for sharia.

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