1 Comment

Coronating the New Caliph Bracket 13


Only four brackets to go until the semifinals! Vote for whichever Muslim is more deserving of the title of Caliph!

Feiz Mohammad – Australian imam who blamed women for being raped: “A victim of rape every minute somewhere in the world. Why? No one to blame but herself. She displayed her beauty to the entire world… Strapless, backless, sleeveless, showing their legs, nothing but Satanic skirts, slit skirts, translucent blouses, miniskirts, tight jeans: all this to tease man and appeal to his carnal nature.”

Ismail Jabbar – British-born Muslim who traveled to wage jihad in Syria. He has posted images of himself killing Syrian government forces, calling them “dirty kuff[ar],” and has instructed his fellow Muslims to carry out terror attacks like the murder of Lee Rigby. He said Muslims who kill Jews and Christians would be doubly rewarded, claimed all jihadists long to behead infidels, and has expressed an interest in going for 72 virgins.


Your Daily Muslim #725: Evendi Latif

Evendi Latif

Evendi Latif

Banda Aceh, Indonesia’s sharia police chief, Evendi Latif, really hates fun. It’s not his fault, though – his Islamic faith is responsible for his sour attitude. Envious of those whose beliefs don’t prohibit them from enjoying themselves, Latif has used the law as a means to exact revenge on those who don’t ascribe to oppressive seventh-century ideologies.

Two young women were recently arrested for sitting in public together and hugging. Seems perfectly acceptable, right? Nope, not under sharia – they were suspected of lesbianism (sihaq), which is a no-no. While it did turn out they were lesbians, the fact that people see that as a crime is deeply disturbing. They were spared the punishment of caning because the law dictating that punishment is still pending enactment, but were sent to a “rehabilitation” program. “They will undergo rehabilitation which involves psychologists from the local Social Ministry office,” Latif commented. Rehabilitation camps are a popular punishment for Muslims to dish out in Banda Aceh – Latif’s BFF Illiza Saaduddin Djamal is a fan of them as well.

Speaking of Djamal, she and Latif collaborated on a police raid targeting a cafe where there was suspected free-mixing between genders. I know, such a public safety hazard, right? Police busted into the venue and saw people free-mixing during a karaoke event. In total, 10 men, 5 women, and 1 Tumblr user were arrested. Latif seized security footage to look for more offenders.

Latif also oversees sharia canings. While numerous global human rights groups have condemned the brutal hudud punishment, Latif is totally in favor of it, citing court rulings that allegedly justify the savagery.

Numerous Aceh residents mix ganja into their foods and beverages. Latif isn’t particularly fond of this practice: “Any substance with an intoxicating effect is haram,” he said. When users brought up that ganja isn’t mentioned in the Qur’an, Latif replied: “That’s just an excuse they use to smoke ganja.” They should really give some to Latif – he needs it.

Latif has also surveilled and organized raids on hotel rooms where young lovers were hooking up, citing sharia prohibitions against zina (fornication.) The “guilty” parties were sentenced to public caning – all because a bitter middle-aged man decided to butt into their sex life. Somehow, many Muslims think Latif’s behavior is justifiable… I don’t get it.

1 Comment

Your Daily Muslim #724: Jafar Hussain

Jafar Hussain

Jafar Hussain

Like the nefarious homosexual from Aladdin, Indian Muslim Jafar Hussain is quite the villain. The impoverished man held fast to his Islamic faith, and was reportedly described as devout by those who knew him. When his 4-year-old daughter didn’t cover her head at lunch, Hussain knew he could not allow such an affront to stand. Walking around with her goods bared for all the world to see would surely enrage the invisible psychopath Allah.

Hussain, a father of four, picked his daughter up and threw her to the ground repeatedly. When his wife tried to stop him, he beat her. He thrashed the helpless girl to death, then ordered his wife to bury the corpse in their house. Word of the murder somehow got out of the house, likely from Hussain’s wife or his oldest child, and the madman was arrested.

Now, this one is obviously a bit extreme even for YDM standards. Here’s the kicker: the girl was 4 years old. Girls are supposed to cover themselves around the time puberty begins, sometimes slightly sooner, because apparently men (read: Muslim men) believe they will incite temptation if not oppressed. Hussain believed his 4-year-old daughter would sexually tempt men if allowed to show her hair. Muhammad, pigs be upon him, married a 6-year-old and molested her when she was 9. For any religion to treat children as sexual objects is abhorrent.

1 Comment

Your Daily Muslim #723: Illiza Saaduddin Djamal (Part 2)

Illiza Sa'aduddin Djamal

Illiza Saaduddin Djamal

Last time we looked at Banda Aceh, Indonesia mayor Illiza Saaduddin Djamal, she was rounding up punks and putting them in re-education camps. Now, the menacing Muslimah is targeting other groups: gamblers, women who have sex outside of marriage, and Hindus.

Recently, 34 people were sentenced to public caning for various offenses, ranging from gambling to sex outside of marriage. Four women were among those caned for extramarital intimacy. “Punishing [miscreants] in front of a crowd has a strong deterrent effect,” Djamal said. “The public needs to support and supervise the convicts to help them return to the straight and narrow.” Narrow like your mind, Djamal? Thought so. Djamal’s envy of those women’s sex life is extreme and apparent, and her statement regarding their caning was notably not without a hint of glee.

During a cultural festival, an Indian dance was performed which outraged Djamal. She called the dance “vulgar” and “erotic” despite the fact that it was nothing of the sort. Because such an atrocity involving improperly-covered women in public had been allowed to take place, Djamal demoted the chief of the city’s Culture and Tourism Agency. “[The event] featured an Indian dance and the [female] dancers were not wearing hijabs,” the mad Muslimah stated. “[This dance] is not in line with sharia as it features hugging and displays parts of a woman’s body that must be covered.” Must be covered according to whom? Puritans? Censorious control freaks? People who feel insecure about their own bodies at the sight of someone who takes better care of themselves?

“[We] cannot be paradoxical about the sharia and hamper our mission to establish Banda Aceh as a civil city,” Djamal continued. Uh, you’re caning people for gambling and having sex, yet you consider yourself civil?!

In late 2015, Djamal spoke in the Forum of the United Nations in New York. The subject of her speech is said to be about the allocation of resources for disaster relief. The Forum follows the UN Sustainable Development Summit. The only thing the UN should have to do with this woman is putting her before the Human Rights Council to answer for her enforcement of inhumane laws.

1 Comment

Your Daily Muslim #722: Ahmed Miklós Kovács

Is that a tablecloth?

Is that a tablecloth?

Hungarian imam Ahmed Miklós Kovács is yet another in a long line of seventh-century celebrants who envy gays’ superior hygiene and style. His envy is so deep that he tried to accuse gays of being “filthy.” Only with each other, Kovács. And trust me, you aren’t up to any gay man’s standards.

During a Friday sermon, Kovács said: “These homosexuals are the filthiest of Allah’s creatures. A Muslim must never accept this disease, this terrible depraved thing. He must never color his profile picture on Facebook in the colors of the rainbow, and must never applaud [homosexuals] and express solidarity with them.” OK, I will admit the rainbow pictures were annoying, and more straight people looking to get some cred with their fellow left-wingers made the change than gays. As for homosexuality being a disease, it’s an inborn sexual orientation. Anyone who has kept up with scientific progress in the past half century would understand this.

The imam’s command for Muslims to avoid standing with homosexuals echoes Qur. 48:29: “Muhammad [pigs be upon him] is the messenger of Allah; those with him are forceful against the disbelievers, merciful among themselves.” Muslims are commanded not to express solidarity with any group that does not align itself with Islam. How’s that “Coexist” bumper sticker working out for you?

Kovács continued: “These days [homosexuals] are celebrating their disease. Effeminate homosexuals are the filthiest of Allah’s creatures. They are sick, and a Muslim must never accept this ugly thing. [Homosexuals] are destroying sound moral values and societies.” No, Islam is destroying sound moral values by killing people for being gay. There’s nothing morally wrong with being gay. When you are willing to condemn people for being gay but unwilling to speak against the murder of gays, you are in no position to consider yourself an ethical person.

1 Comment

Your Daily Muslim #721: Ahmad Kutty (Part 2)

Ahmad Kutty

Ahmad Kutty

(Part 1)

Indian-born Canadian sheikh Ahmad Kutty’s Ask the Scholar site has yielded a fresh crop of seventh-century idiocy. Behold the religion of peace (and an exhaustive list of sexual dos and don’ts that could only come from a deeply repressed Christian Grey type.)

Kutty listed the following sexual practices as haram (forbidden) when asked by an anonymous Muslim whether or not role-playing with one’s wife was permissible. Let’s go through this 8-point list and dissect how unrealistic it is. I encourage you to go through the checklist with me and see exactly how many ways you’ve pissed off the invisible sky-demon Allah:

1) As Islam views conjugal union and husband and wife relations as extremely dignified and confidential, one is not allowed to engage in such acts in public or while others are watching; it is also forbidden to divulge one’s sexual exploits with one’s partner to anyone else. The Prophet, [pigs be upon him], refers to such behavior as Satanic and hence not befitting of humans;

So apparently talking to a marriage counselor about sexual issues in your marriage is Satanic…?

Sharing sex stories: One point for yes, zero for no.

2) Anal intercourse is totally forbidden; however, partners are allowed to derive sexual pleasure from intimate rubbing of any other part of the body or through oral stimulation so long as such acts are done consensually;

Many clerics disagree about oral stimulation being permissible. But what’s so bad about anal? To quote Broad City last year, “It’s 2014. Anal’s on the menu.”

Anal sex: One point for yes, zero for no.

3) Sadistic practices such as deriving carnal pleasure by inflicting pain or chaining one’s partner, etc. are all forbidden as they are considered as degrading and inhumane;

Someone didn’t like 50 Shades… if it’s consensual, who cares?

S&M: One point for yes, zero for no.

4) Sexual intercourse in the vagina is forbidden during a woman’s menstrual period as well as during post-natal period; one must wait until the bleeding stops and she has performed ghusl (ritual bath);

I can understand this one from a hygiene perspective (bloody sheets are so not in right now.) But if a woman wants to have sex during that time and her partner consents, go for it! It’s not harmful.

Sex during menses: One point for yes, zero for no.

5) Sexual intercourse or intimate touching or caressing, etc. are forbidden while fasting, or in state of ihram [ritual cleanliness to prepare for the Hajj];

So not only are Muslims prohibited from having healthy eating habits during Ramadan, they also have less time for sex? No wonder their tempers become more explosive during Ramadan.

Sex during fasting: One point for yes, zero for no.

6) So called group sex (regardless of whether it is done between consenting married partners or others) is an abomination and grave sin; it is sinful even to entertain such thoughts;

So lemme get this straight – molesting a child as Muhammad (pigs be upon him) did is OK, but even thinking about having a threesome isn’t? As you can see, Islam has a strong ethical foundation.

Group sex: One point for yes, zero for no.

7) There is no taboo on partners masturbating each other or having sexual intimacy or fulfillment during menses as well as during post-natal period of bleeding– provided sexual intercourse in the vagina is avoided.

This is basically #5.

8) It is haram to engage in intimate sexual union with one’s partner while imagining or visualizing other men or women.

As cleric Hossein Dehnavi said, fantasizing about someone else causes any offspring produced by that intercourse to be gay. But what’s so bad about pretending your spouse is Chris Hemsworth?

Poker-facing: One point for yes, zero for no. Also, anyone who’s been in a relationship has done this. If they say they haven’t, they’re lying.

If your score was higher than zero, congratulations, Allah hates you! I scored 5. Allah’s wrath is sure to descend any day now. I’m waiting…

Kutty had more to say about anal sex: “Anal sex is undoubtedly forbidden in Islam. There are authentic traditions of the Prophet [pigs be upon him] explicitly forbidding it. The Prophet [pigs be upon him] is reported to have said, ‘Do not enter women through their rear ends.'” Who cares if a child-molesting warlord from the seventh century didn’t like anal? If it makes Allah mad, tell him he’s a perv for watching.

When another anonymous Muslim asked about whether or not “courtship” before marriage was permissible in Islam, Kutty shared his absurd beliefs on the subject: “What do you mean by courtship? Do you mean dating as commonly practiced in the West today which entails going out to movies and isolating with a girl or a boy one wish to marry? Then the answer is no. Islam does not allow any isolation or hanging out together with a member of the opposite sex unless they are married or they are close blood relations known as mahram.”

Needless to say, it should be obvious how compatible Islam’s values are with ours in the west.


Wait, I thought women had to wear those ridiculous ninja costumes so they wouldn’t incite temptation in men? Oh, you mean that men will lust after women even if they dress up like Ringwraiths? NO WAY!


Wait, “warped customs?” You mean like not forcing your daughters into marriages with older men? Like allowing women to choose whom they marry? Approaching marriage from “pristine Islam,” as Kutty mentions, involves small children getting molested. I have no idea how anyone can stand for such savagery. As for the anti-masturbation rhetoric, that’s just sad. Sexual repression is never healthy.

I’ll leave you with this pseudoscientific gem in which Kutty tells someone to level up their black magic resistance by reading the Qur’an:



Your Daily Muslim #720: Hojjat Ramzy

Hojjat Ramzy

Hojjat Ramzy

Iranian-born sheikh Hojjat Ramzy, who now resides in the UK, has several centuries of catching up to do. Ramzy established the first Islamic school in Oxfordshire to ensure the spread of incivility.

When a female convert to Islam (clearly a person of compromised mental faculty) applied for a teaching position at the school, she alleged Ramzy asked her invasive questions about her sex life. Because somehow what a woman chooses to do with her body affects her ability to teach. The woman filed a lawsuit against the school, claiming she had been underpaid after refusing to answer Ramzy’s questions about her virginity. Information about the outcome of the lawsuit was unable to be located.

Aside from women’s virginity, Ramzy also enjoys butting into their marital lives. “It is not allowed under any circumstances for a Christian man to marry a Muslim woman, it is not acceptable,” he is quoted as saying. Of course, it’s OK for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman so as to convert her to Islam, a practice commonly referred to as “love jihad.” Still, any cult that says you can’t marry outside of it needs to get with the times. Feels a bit too “you can’t sit with us” for the 21st century.

On September 11, 2015, in what has been described by many Twitter users as the most solid proof of god in the 21st century, a crane at the Masjid al-Haram in Mecca was struck by lightning. The crane crashed into the masjid, killing over 100. Ramzy commented on the calamity: “…I would like to congratulate those people who lost their lives for going straight to heaven without any question.” Really? What if they were child molesters like their prophet, pigs be upon him? What if they were terrorists? That doesn’t matter, believing in the invisible sky-demon Allah is apparently a get into jannah free card. “This is great honor from god that everyone wishes for but not many will be granted.” Really? So everyone wishes to die? Sorry, I don’t ascribe to beliefs that glorify death.

Shortly after the Charlie Hebdo jihad attack, a Muslim storeowner decided to sell the magazine’s next issue so as to satisfy the demands of his customers and generate dialogue. Ramzy condemned the decision and led a small protest against the magazine’s sale: “By Charlie Hebdo publishing this picture of our prophet [pigs be upon him], we have been insulted,” he said. “I believe that Charlie Hebdo is an extremist magazine and they are trying to intimidate Muslim communities. I totally condemn the terrorist attacks in Paris but I condemn the magazine’s action by repeating the picture. It wasn’t necessary. [The store] should not sell it as it insults the Muslim community.” Ramzy calling someone an extremist? That’s rich.

As for the magazine intimidating Muslims, if a picture is all it takes, that’s kinda sad. They enjoy intimidating infidels (see Muslim Patrol), but can’t take even the slightest jab at their pedophile prophet? Sad.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 271 other followers